My Assignment

Ok... I just had a 1 hour call with my counselor. I have an assignment and she's calling me back in about an hour. My assignment is "What would it take for me to allow Younger back into our household". This is going to be a free-write of sorts... so grammar and word choice don't count! :-)

Initially what I thought it would take is for Younger to come grovelling home, beg our forgiveness, offer apologies for ALL (literally all) the shitty things and circumstances she put us through in the last 6 months, have a full time job, be going to (or looking at going to) school, pay rent (which we'd put in an account for her when she did go to school... like tuition money), live under our house rules (which aren't that crazy for an 18 y/o) and continue building relationships with us.

Reality is, we have until April when she leaves for the Navy to get to a point where we, as a family, have the results in our relationships that we want. Again, this is a free-write and I'm a nutso with all of this because I can't even pretend to understand my emotions behind everything... I'm a logical person (ie... math/physics) and I can't even associate logic with all this stuff anymore.

What I want is my daughter back. I want to go shopping with her again. I want to have fun conversations. I want to have hard conversations. I want to be up til 1 in the morning talking about how her heart hurts because some boy wasn't paying attention to her anymore. Stupid things that mom's love... I want that back. I want the daily phone call to say hi, see how my day's going and do the same thing in return. I want to go to the gym with her again. I want to bring her camping and jetskiing for a weekend together (her and I) and be able to do it as a complete family like we used to do. I can't do anything about the choices she's made. She joined the Navy, she's going to have a relatively shitty job with no prospects for building a resume' for civilian work once she gets out (which I very much understand since I was in and now am out). She's leaving in April. She'll move after that to one of the coasts or to a foreign country. We won't all be together again as much as we've had the chance to in the last 9-10 months. With the decisions she's made, I'd like to be there to support her in her good choices. [I apologize ahead of time b/c I know the economy is hard right now... my hubby and I are very blessed (and I acknowledge that). We aren't rich or anything, but I don't want to make anyone feel badly.] Here's the potential in my head. Younger could come home, live here, we would support her good choices, become a full family again, we have 3 cars and only 2 drivers right now, so she would have transportation as long as she paid for her own gas and insurance. She'd still be able to do stuff with her friends (as long as they aren't "drag her down" friends), we'd have family night and family BBQs just like we used to. She'd get her old room back with all of her old stuff. It wouldn't be the same because there are scars, but it would be awesome. I haven't had a REAL hug from Younger in so long that I can't remember. I just remember how great those hugs were.

What would it take for her to come live here? I am not allowed to answer as "Me and Hubby". I'm only allowed to answer as ME. D said to consider it like I'm writing as a single mom. So... me, single mom... what would it take. I would really LIKE an apology, but maturity-wise, I think that's going to take some significant time. What it would take for me is
A) Get a job close to home (her current job's over 40 min away) before trying to come home... I'm not dealing with the "uncertainty" job thing again... we did that for 4 months, we're not doing it again.
B) I want a good relationship again. It doesn't have to be perfect... it won't be like it used to (at least for a long while), but I require it to be good and making progress. There will be no stagnant part of our relationship or the deal is off.
C) Pay Rent & Car stuff. $75 a month, plus pay for your gas and pay for your car insurance, as well as oil changes. It's not optional because I'm not going to deal with the nagging or whining for rides. Oh, by the way, get your license before you attempt to come home. Unless there's an accident, I wouldn't require payment for an old vehicle to be fixed for something that she had no affect on.
D) Live under the house rules. You will have a curfew. It won't be outrageous and there will be some exceptions attached, but I refuse to stay up all night waiting for you to come home. I've tried the sleep thing while you're still out... it doesn't work for me. ABIDE by the rules. Don't come home, follow them for 2 weeks and then blow me off... your stuff will be at the curb again. I'm not living through that hell again.
E) You will help with chores. I am not a mean ogre who is going to work you like Annie in Act 1. Take care of your room, do your laundry, assist with the household stuff (put a freakin' dish in the dishwasher!) and the boys... DON'T BE A LAZY LOAF like you were.
F) Don't do the minimum in your life. Yes, you've signed up for the Navy. Good for you. Don't sit on your butt and wait for your ticket out of here. Do something with your life in the mean time. Whether it be work, a class at the local school, volunteer work, whatever... just don't be stagnant b/c when you're bored, my life sucks.
G) I need to work on the possibility of initial "blind trust". If you say your going to be home by 10, I need to believe you and let you prove it to me by being home by 10 (or whatever hour we discuss) consistently.
H) I need to not worry that my stuff needs to be locked up (we locked our door for the last 4 months she was here) every time I leave the house. Or that I need to set the alarm to make sure you're not sneaking out in the middle of the night.
I) I need you to give a shit. I don't want you to like/agree with what I have to say in serious conversation... but give me time to talk about what I'd like to discuss with you... Earth to Younger... I'm not an idiot. The "dumbest" thing I've ever done was inherit 2 teenage step daughters and in reality, that's not dumb. Don't agree with me, don't "please" me, just listen and then form your own opinions. When you do, lets chat about it and let me know your reasoning and rationalization. I, surprisingly, give a shit about what is going on with you.
J) I need to not be so reactive. I still require maturing. Being a mom suddenly to kids 7 and 9 yrs younger than me is weird and not easy. Give me a minute instead of demanding a reaction or a conversation. It takes me time to process so I don't fly off the handle b/c, while our age diff isn't huge, our maturity level is. So, give me time to think, let me process and work through my own crap going through my head so I don't REACT, I just ACT.
K) Let me have my time. I was soooo overcommitted and overburdened when you were living here. I am now starting school again, working full time, taking care of a household, and if you come home, adding an additional person to our household again. These things take adjustments. They aren't great right away. It's not all flowers and rainbows, but we can work through things.
L) Most important to me... be OPEN to having talks. Life SUCKS! It doesn't totally, but when it comes to this time in your life and the transition period, it does a bit. Especially in our circumstances right now. It's not particularly fun. BUT be open, I'll do that for you. Let's talk about the craziness, the unknowns, the fears, the excitement... all that. Share that, I guess. Work together. 2 (/3) heads are always better than one.

I don't want to write anymore. I'm getting tired... but those are some of the things on my mind. I apologize to all my blog readers out there, but like I said initially... this blog is supposed to be part of my counseling... write things, sort things out and see what happens. The best part about this is that writing some crap in a journal doesn't give comments, so I'm always open to those. I hope I didn't bum you guys out!

Thanks for reading... I think I'm done with my assignment for now. I have 9 min til D calls back.